A Letter for a Pastor's Wife - Part 2

Dear Pastor’s Wife, 

As a minister’s wife, you possess incredible strength despite your challenges—something not granted to others.

As a woman, society may regard you as second in authority only to your husband. However, you are like a thin layer of gold—strong yet flexible, capable of being drawn into incredibly thin wires. This characteristic only shows your extraordinary resilience and adaptability.

God has chosen you to be your husband’s partner because He considers you worthy of the potential you have when you fully and wholeheartedly embrace your responsibilities as a pastor’s wife.

As Mrs. Danita Caderma, Women’s Ministries director and Ministerial Spouses Association coordinator for the Southern Asia Pacific Division, said, “When a woman marries a minister, she not only chooses a life partner but also accepts a life of teamwork.”

She elaborated on the sacred duties of a minister’s wife when she spoke as a guest speaker during the MSA Seminar and Back to the Altar Convocation in Cebu City on Feb. 1, 2025. 

“For the pastor and the pastor’s wife, getting into the ranks of the ministry should labor until death do them part,” she added.

She also quoted Ellen White’s encouragement in her book “Adventist Home,” which states, “The wife of a minister of the gospel can either be a highly successful helper and a great blessing to her husband, or a hindrance to him in his work. It depends largely on the wife whether a minister will rise daily in his sphere of usefulness or sink to an ordinary level.”

Furthermore, in most of her books, she emphasizes that obedience, especially heartfelt obedience rooted in love for God, is essential for receiving His blessings and experiencing true spiritual growth.

Yet, as a human, you are also prone to emotional breakdowns and burnout. You can become exhausted to the breaking point, but this is not a sign of failure. Thus, you need to understand the physiology of trauma and how it affects not only you as a pastor’s wife but also the people you are leading.

By doing so, you can quickly identify signs of trauma and take action to maintain your mental health. Additionally, when interacting with others, you’ll gain a better understanding of their behavior and know how to manage various situations.

Trauma deeply affects the brain, especially important parts like the hippocampus, which helps us remember things and know where we are; the amygdala, which helps us understand and manage our feelings; and the cortex, which is important for complex thinking, showing our personality, and behaving appropriately in social situations.

When trauma happens, the body immediately enters into a strong “alarm state.” This means the body releases chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol, and we feel terrified. This “fight-or-flight” response makes it hard to think clearly because the body is preparing to either fight or run away from danger. 

On the other hand, your children who experience trauma over and over again can get stuck in this alarm state. This constant state of alert starts to damage the healthy connections in their brains and disrupts how the brain is built.

Trauma can cause serious problems, but nevertheless, science also shows us that the brain is incredibly resilient and can heal. Research using brain scans and studies of body chemistry proves that the brain isn’t just good at surviving trauma; it can actually repair itself. 

Numerous programs are being developed globally to help reduce or even reverse the damage caused by trauma. One such program is our mental health seminars initiated by our leaders—the recent MSA Seminar and BTTA Convocation facilitated by Mrs. Melodie Mae K. Inapan, MSA coordinator, and Adventist Children and Family Ministries director for the Central Philippine Union Conference. 

It’s normal to feel upset after a traumatic event. These feelings usually get better over time, often within a few weeks or months, as you start to understand what happened. Even after you’re feeling better, things might still trigger upsetting memories or emotions from time to time, like the anniversary of the event or anything that reminds you of it.

However, if these difficult feelings don’t start to fade, or if they actually get worse, and you find yourself stuck and unable to move forward, you might have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). While emotional trauma is a common reaction to something disturbing, it turns into PTSD when your body’s stress response gets “stuck.” It’s like you’re still in shock, unable to process what happened or deal with your feelings.

You, as a ministerial spouse, often experience secondary trauma and constant stress, so prioritizing self-care is crucial. You should acknowledge the impact of ministry on your well-being, recognize signs of trauma within yourself, and set healthy boundaries. 

Seeking professional help and building a supportive network with other ministerial spouses are vital. Understanding how ministry life affects children, creating stable home environments, and supporting children’s emotional needs are essential for your family. 

Moreover, promoting trauma-informed practices and open communication within a church community can indeed be transformative. It shifts the perspective from simply reacting to behaviors to understanding the potential underlying causes. Seeing people through a trauma-informed lens welcomes empathy and compassion, allowing for more grace and understanding in interpersonal relationships. This approach can create a more supportive and healing environment for everyone in the church.

Ultimately, you should remember you are not alone and that prioritizing your well-being is essential for you, your family, and the people within your ministry.

To be continued…

Source: Lecture series by Pastor Christopher del Monte, a psychologist and counseling professional who also serves as the program head of the Hoffen Clinic-Center for Mental Health at Adventist Hospital Davao.